why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
