if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
