I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize