My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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