This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize