So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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