Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
