I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I need to align my fucking chakras
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
