you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
