Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
