Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
