Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
