he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
