I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
