she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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