I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
