so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize