At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
What a dumb baby whore.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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