There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
