my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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