Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize