Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
