awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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