Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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