paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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