Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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