you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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