Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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