Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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