if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
