Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize