so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
