before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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