Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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