The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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