ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
