Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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