Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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