Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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