Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
