do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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