Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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