My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
