Cold hands, warm shart.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
