What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
