My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
