i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
COCAINE IS GR8
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