I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
