dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
