Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
