you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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