I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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