did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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