No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
