You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize