so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
