i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
