what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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