Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
