Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
