Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
